


Remember me

by The_silent_smile



Series: Every day we crumble and build ourselves up again - Marvel one-shots [22]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes-centric, Dementia, Gen, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Memory Loss, Men Crying, Nightmares, Old Steve Rogers, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Sam Wilson, Sam Wilson Feels, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Sam Wilson is a Saint, Steve Rogers is Not Captain America, Steve Rogers is OLD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 22:29:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19282483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_silent_smile/pseuds/The_silent_smile
Summary: Steve, as he is old now, got dementia and it really hit bucky hard because he had his memory wiped in the past.(This is based on the dream a friend of mine had)Bucky is thrown miles back from his point in his recovery when Steve develops dementia. Nightmares and the haunting look he always used to wear return more and more, getting more frequent every time he comes back from his visits to the ex-captain.Sam is worried.





	Remember me

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of memory loss, dementia, captivity (winter soldier) and brainwashing. Mention of nightmare and implications of PTSD.

"Buck?"  
"Hey Stevie, how was your nap?"  
"Bucky..."

Bucky gave him a shaky smile, trying his very best to not let the hurt show even in the slightest. It was normal. Lots of people got it when they got older.

So it was irrational for him to hurt this much only because his friend started crying every time he saw him.

"You're..."  
"I'm here Steve. I'm here."  
"I- I lost you... the train... I was- it was..."  
"I'm fine Steve. I'm safe."  
"But you- "

He had gotten good at reassuring the older man these days.   
He didn't pride himself on it like Sam said he should do.  
'I can barely handle the old man these days. I'm glad you know how to handle this a bit better than I do,' had been his suggestion.

Bucky had just huffed and shoved his friend, lightly, a laugh hiding the pain that had gradually gotten stronger, the feeling growing in strength with every day that the memory loss got worse.

"I thought I lost you."

Steve was crying again, the old man had had a few good years since he had gotten back to them, though ultimately ending up in a bed much like Peggy's before she had passed.  
Now, the doctors said Steve was good to go for at least a year or so due to the serum and his surprisingly healthy way of living that he had enjoyed even though he'd never been able to stay out of fights or fully settle down.

"I'm fine, doll. I'm here. we're safe okay? You're safe."  
"But- the war... we have to-"  
"The war is over Steve. You married Peggy remember? Finally got that dance you felt so guilty about not giving her."

Steve nodded, tears for once not rolling down his cheeks, though his eyes seemed wet none the less.

He nodded and smiled, though Bucky knew he didn't understand. Not fully, anyway.

He knew how bad memory got when it had been messed with.

Given, dementia was a natural thing and hardly comparable with somebodies mind forcefully being wiped over and over again until the person themselves isn't even there anymore. Until he was just a soldier following orders, a weapon to be used by anybody shouting the orders.

It wasn't comparable. But Bucky still felt the icy phantom cold of Siberian nights creep down his spine whenever Steve would lay his eyes on him, whenever they would widen in awe as Bucky carefully hid away the hurt and gave his friend a warm smile and a hug.

It wasn't comparable. But it hurt. It hurt so incredibly much and Sam- he and the Falcon had decided to move in together once they had realised that a tag-team was the best way to go about the whole 'new captain' thing- had to calm him down when he found Bucky standing incredibly still in front of the window, the metal arm de-attached and laying on the floor, the skin on the shoulder that was normally connected to the metal scratched up and red as if he had tried to rip it off before finding the mechanism that let it de-attach itself.

When he found him in the corner of his bedroom, squeezed into the small space between the bed and the wall, hands shaking and eyes wide and unseeing, shivering all over.

The nightmares about that place had been nearly non-existent since he'd woken up in Wakanda, feeling as if a huge weight had lifted off of him as Shuri told him that she'd successfully recalibrated and erased the triggers and memory wipes Hydra had put in his head.

And everything had been fine. Steve had moved to a nursing home and was still active and energetic for his age, bickering and laughing with him and Sam whenever they came to visit, sharing memories with Bucky when they were alone.

But Steve started forgetting small things like where he had put his keys.

And then the small things turned into forgetting why Bucky had a metal arm, or why his hair was longer, or why there was a golden retriever laying at the foot of his bed and following him everywhere he went as if it were his.

They had told them that it was dementia and that they had nothing to be worried about. That this happened to elderly people and that they were pretty sure that he wouldn't forget who Bucky was as he knew him since childhood.

-

Sam stopped coming over after the second time that Steve had looked at him with his bright blue eyes curiously wide as he asked who he was.

That was the first and only time that Bucky had to comfort Sam, the man accepting his hug as he spread his arms for him as soon as they got home. Bucky staying silent as he felt how Sam started shaking with silent sobs, didn't say anything as his friend pulled back and his eyes were red and Bucky's shoulder was wet from where his friend had pressed his face against it.

After that, Bucky had gone alone, Sam telling him that he was alright with it, that he had had a grandma who had dementia and that he didn't want to stress Steve out by trying to explain who he was and why he was there every time they visited.

And after that, it had been Sam comforting him once he came back. Prying Bucky out of the little space between his bed and the wall and leading him to their couch, the both of them sinking into the soft leather as Sam talked to him about a thousand boring and mundane things until Bucky felt like he was human again.

And he made him coffee when Bucky was staring out of the window, whole body stiff and shivers running down his spine, telling him stories from when he'd been in the army or out on smaller missions that had only required one of them to show up, the coffee already only lukewarm when he felt like he could move again and grab the mug without chattering it in his hands.

-

"Was I a good husband to her?"

Bucky smiled as he held his friend's hand, rubbing small circles on the wrinkled skin spotted with age. The hurt was there, would always be there. But as long as Steve didn't forget their story he could manage.

"I think you were yeah. She loved you to no extend Steve."  
"I loved her to no extend too," his friend said, a peaceful smile, a hint of sadness laced through it, playing on his lips, as if he was aware he was forgetting things. That he forgot parts of his life.

As if he was aware of how much it pained Bucky to see him like that.

-

Sam had sat him down at the kitchen counter once, right after the second time his friend had found him curled up in that little corner of his room, asking the AI (Peter had given them all the AI's that Tony had made for them when he was still with them. every single one of them having personalities and voices and ways that made the person that received the AI most comfortable.) how to best approach the situation, the little earpiece he had made a habit of wearing telling him that he should stay out of the man's way. That he might be dangerous.

Sam had ignored the warning and pulled Bucky out from his spot and towards the couch after asking if it was alright to touch him and Bucky gave him a sharp nod.

The next morning Sam had sat him down and asked what had happened and how he could help.

"Nightmare."  
"I thought you said you didn't have those anymore."  
"I didn't."  
"So what-" "I was brainwashed. In Syberia. They wiped my memory, started over. Every single mission."

Sam stayed silent for a moment before seemingly realising what the issue was, inhaling sharply as he took in how stiff Bucky was, how he sat on the couch with his back straight, not leaning against it, his butt on the very front of the couch cushions as if ready to flee at any moment.

"...Shit. So Steve forgetting things-" "Is kind of triggering. Yeah." 

Sam nodded, carefully placing a hand on Bucky's shoulder and pulling him in for a hug.

Agreeing on not saying anything when the other started shaking more and he felt how his shoulder got wet with the man's tears was just normal by now. 

"I shouldn't even be the one that is upset here."  
"You have the right to be upset."  
"Yeah. But he forgot who you were. My issues are hardly as bad as that."  
"Don't invalidate your own trauma, you prick. It'll only make it worse. "  
"Sometimes I forget that you actually make money for helping people with their issues."  
"I'm also pretty good at kicking ass so it's an easy mistake."

They both laughed lightly, neither really feeling like laughing but knowing that it was the right thing to do at that moment so doing it anyway.

"You'll be fine James. He won't forget you. That's what you're most afraid of, isn't it? That he'll forget everything like they had you do?"

"You're really good at this."  
Sam smiled, not mentioning the fact that Bucky hadn't answered his question, the silence regarding it speaking novels in and on itself.

"I try. I try."

-

"Buck?"  
"Hey Stevie, how was your nap?"  
"Bucky..."

Steve's eyes were painfully wide and teary as he watched Bucky with wonder written all over his face while said man put his book away slowly so he could turn his full attention on Steve.

He wouldn't forget him. Wouldn't forget their history. Sam had told him that he wouldn't.  
So why the hell did he feel like he was about to fall into the deep end?

"You're..."  
"I'm here Steve. I'm here."  
"I- I lost you... the train... I was- it was..."  
"I'm fine Steve. I'm safe."  
"But you- "

Sam was a fucking liar.

Steve remembered who he was. But he had forgotten half of their life together. Had forgotten the building and breaking of their friendship, their brotherhood. Had forgotten about how Bucky was the winter soldier. How he had died and come back and died again.   
How he had given and given and given. Risked his life over and over again to save him because he knew that Bucky would do the exact same.

"I'm fine, doll. I'm here. we're safe okay? You're safe."

He wiped away a tear rolling down Steve's cheek, repressing the urge to burst into tears himself.

Next time Steve would forget about the train too.

Next time Steve would forget he had saved Bucky from Zola.

Next time he wouldn't remember getting the serum.

Next time he wouldn't remember him.

And this night he knew he would keep Sam out of getting his much-needed sleep again with his nightmares.

And he hated that something as common as dementia had sent him into that spiral again.

But he didn't want to think of that.  
Right now, they could talk about old memories and café dates with blondes and rollercoasters on a peer.  
Right now he'd remember the good things until all that Steve had left were pleasant memories.

And maybe, the next time he wouldn't remember him.

And it would kill him, existence feeling fake and unnecessary with the knowledge that his one link to the past. The man that was like a liferaft in this storm that they called 'the new world' that seemed to want to swallow him whole. It threatening to do so every second of the day, though Steve kept him afloat.

And maybe he would survive. Sam had become a new raft that he could depend on to carry his weight and not sink or drift away. And it would hurt so incredibly much that he felt like dying, but he'd survive. Because Bucky Barnes wasn't anything if not stubborn and he damn well refused to die.

And maybe, the next time he came over Steve wouldn't remember him. Light blue eyes watching him, amusement making the skin around them wrinkle as Bucky revisited the old memories.  
But for what it was worth, he was going to make sure that, as long as he was remembered, the memories would be good. And Steve would be happy.

And maybe it killed him a little bit, to walk into the room and the needing to stop the man from crying every time he came to visit. But he would sit this out until the very end of the line.

They already had the memory loss in common.  
He didn't want loneliness to be something they could relate on.


End file.
